Friday, September 30, 2016

Go Blue.... Part 2

Michigan’s Formal Rebuttal to Jason Gay

The Wolverines of the Wall Street Journal respond to Mr. Gay’s column on America’s finest university

University of Michigan graduates working at the Wall Street Journal were the subject of a Thursday column in the newspaper by sportswriter Jason Gay, who attended the University of Wisconsin Madison.
The column bemoaned the rise of Michigan’s No. 4-ranked football team; poked fun at its coach, the future supreme court justice Jim Harbaugh; and described us—the Journal’s hardworking Michigan people—as insufferable elitists.
Or so we’re told. We were too busy to read it.
Because this column seems to have painted a distorted picture, we would like to set the record straight by employing a device that is near and dear to Mr. Gay’s heart—a list.
Here are 19 thoughts that have crossed the minds of the Wall Street Journal’s Michigan graduates over the last 24 hours:
1. Solving the world’s problems is hard work. Sometimes we wish we’d gone to a school where people drink beer for breakfast.
2. Sadly, Michigan has never felt the need to have a mascot. But if we did, it would probably be a pants-less rodent in a turtleneck sweater. Oh wait, that’s taken.
3. Coach Harbaugh was smart to ditch the pleats. Flat-front khakis are much more flattering on him. They’re also perfect for antiquing.
Michigan Wolverines quarterback Wilton Speight looks to pass to tight end Jake Butt.ENLARGE
Michigan Wolverines quarterback Wilton Speight looks to pass to tight end Jake Butt.PHOTO: REUTERS
4. Michigan’s No. 24 ranking in the recent Wall Street Journal/Times Higher Educationcollege rankings was a robbery, if you ask us—even if it was the best finish for any public university.
5. Wow, these rankings just keep going and going. Look at No. 67!
6. Jason Gay… Wait a minute—isn’t he the guy who wrote that column about the squirrel attorney?
7. Why do alumni of some public research universities in the Midwest keep prattling on about the ‘elitism’ of other public research universities in the Midwest? Haven’t these people visited the East Coast?
8. Ann Arbor was recently named America’s best college town. Madison’s finest hour came in 1986 when it served as the backdrop for the Hollywood classic Back to School, which earned Rodney Dangerfield six Academy Awards.
The greatest moment in Wisconsin sports history.
9. Michigan has a tight end named Jake Buttand a defensive end named Taco Charlton. These are not jokes. They are miracles.
10. Michigan is the winningest college football program in history. Wisconsin also has a glorious legacy of football success. (Go Packers!)
11. We’re glad the team we are playing has a handy “W” on its helmet—otherwise we wouldn’t know who they were. Also nice to see people are still using fonts from 1991.
12. When it comes to the best place in America to buy cheese—OK, let’s all agree there’s absolutely no contest. It’s Zingerman’s.
File photo of unidentified rodent in turtleneck. ENLARGE
File photo of unidentified rodent in turtleneck.PHOTO: JOE ROBBINS/GETTY IMAGES
13. Appalachian State has become one of the best teams in the Sun Belt, winning 11 games last year and recently taking No. 11 Tennessee to overtime. We put that program on the map!
15. This week NASA hired a Michigan aerospace professor to lead its effort to figure out the origins of life and the universe. Kind of a lateral move.
16. Michigan has already won college football’s real national championship, which is measured by an algorithm that gives extra weight to glowing New Yorker articles.
17. Jason Gay’s columns would be a lot better if James Earl Jones (Michigan class of 1955) read them aloud. While former Michigan student Madonna sang background vocals andTom Brady danced along.
18. And they were written by Arthur Miller, who also went to Michigan.
19. Wait, who is Michigan playing this weekend?

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